I'd Like to Teach Rosanne to Sing

Remember that happy song "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing" that Coca-cola actually created in a commercial and then they scrambled to make it into a real song because it was so popular? Well, let's go weird this time on the parody and take it to a darker side...

I’d like to teach Rosanne to sing
In perfect harmony
Lose 100 pounds and wear a ring
From heterosexual matrimony

I’d like to scrub her entire mouth
From verbal profanity
Move her deep down into the South
To learn hospitality

(That’s the dream I had)
I’d like to remove her usual scowl
(And it’s disturbing, I know)
Add puffed lips like all of the stars
(But I can’t wake it’s so bad)
Some plastic surgery to remove fatty jowl
(Like the daughter on her show)
And ban her from the bars.

Like a Rolling Stone

Let's face it...the Rolling Stones just seem a bit too old to be playing concerts like their former selves. Let's parody their reality with the Bob Dylan song that is appropriate, "Like a Rolling Stone"

Once upon a time you played so fine
You had new songs in your prime, didn't you ?
People'd spit and say, "Please quit, you're milking it"
You thought they were all kiddin' you
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was just startin' out
Now you don't sing so loud
Now you don't seem so proud
About having to retread 60s/70s hits for your next meal.

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a hit
Like a complete nitwit
Like a Rolling Stone git?

You've gone to the top of the charts, Mr. Fancy
But the last time was 89 so get used to it
And nobody has ever taught you how to grow old and retire
And now you find out you're gonna have to get used to it
You said you'd never compromise
By just playing for money, but now you realize
You don’t have any other alibis
As you stare into your record companies unhappy eyes
And say can we please extend our record deal?

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a hit
Like a complete nitwit
Like a Rolling Stone git?

You never turned around to see the frowns on the record buyers in town
When they all come down and listened to your new songs for you
You never understood that it ain't no good
You shouldn't stay in a musical rut letting fans beg for you
You used to come up with a good rockin’ original song
Even ones a person would sing along
Ain't it hard when you discover it’s all gone
This is no longer where you belong
After spinnin’ around in the same old hit machine wheel?

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a hit
Like a complete nitwit
Like a Rolling Stone git?

Yesterday

With the recession still in full swing and everyone losing their jobs (including me), I thought I'd throw in a parody on it. Let's use "Yesterday" by the Beatles

Yesterday,
All my paychecks were so fat with pay
Now the layoff has made them go away
Oh, I was rich just yesterday

Suddenly,
They want to pay me half of what I used to see
Much less benefit to offer me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why they
Got so cheap without losing sleep, I cannot say
I did,
Something wrong, wouldn’t play along yesterday

Yesterday,
Looking busy was such an easy game to play
Now there’s no excuse to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why they
Sold me out, without a doubt I cannot say
I knew
Just like you, I’d get the screw, yesterday

Yesterday,
All my stuff was paid without delay
Now they’re all sitting in layaway
Oh, I believe, in yesterday

The Fly of the Tiger

With the big scandal going on concerning Tiger Woods and his numerous women, I thought I'd drive this parody home. Let's use "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor...

Risin’ up, out of the sheets
Did my time, took her virginity
Went the distance, now I’m back on the green
Another conquered, I feel so alive

What the hell? How did this leak come about?
I only slept with a couple of hundred
Wrecked the car and my sponsors are pulling out
I need those endorsement dollars to survive

Chorus:
Unzip the fly of the Tiger, enjoy the cream of the night
Rising up with your illegitimate desires
And my last was a star of a mud wrestling fight
As she went for the fly of the Tiger

Wife at home, I’m out in the night
Hanging hard with the numbers I got
Rendezvous on a road trip feels right
When my Johnson is calling the shots

Unzip the fly of the Tiger, while you scream in the night
Rising up as high as my divorce cost requires
And the last of my sponsors is in flight
Running away from the public eye of the Tiger

Because of the fly of Tiger….

Time of the Sneezin'

With all the swine flu and other illnesses going around, let's do a parody on that. I'll use The Zombies song "Time of the Season" this time.

It’s the time of the sneezin’
When swine flu comes by
You picked your nose, that’s the reason
So next time try
With gloved hands

To wash after you pee
Understand?
The sink water is free
When
It’s the time of the sneezin’ and flu

What’s your name?
(What’s your name?)
Who’s your doctor?
(Who’s your doctor)
Is he sick like you?
Has he taken
(Has he taken)
Any Meds
(Any meds to help)
To help do nothing for a virus
Tell it to me slowly
Please don’t cough
Drink some healing kelp
It’s the time of the sneezin’ and flu

Stairway to Michaels

This time we'll go for a silly parody on Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin. If you're not familiar with "Michaels", it is a chain of arts and crafts. Sort of the Toys R Us version for that kind of stuff.

There’s a lady who’s sure
They sell glittery gold
And she’s buying some at Michaels

When she gets there she knows
Fake plants; they have rows
With a word she can get some fake flowers

Ooh, Ooh, and she’s buying some at Michaels

There’s a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
Cause you know sometimes sales have end dates

In the stickers by the gnomes
There’s a pencil made of chrome
Sometimes all of their products are misgiven

Ooh, it makes me wonder,

Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There’s feeling I get
When I walk through the paint
And my spirit is visualizing an abstract

In my thoughts I have seen
Rubber stamps in my dreams
And the voices of those who sell them

Ooh, it makes me wonder,

Ooh, it really makes me wonder

And it’s whispered that soon
They’ll have another cute balloon
That the salesclerk will lead us purchase

And a new day will dawn
For those who stand long
In the sales line waiting forever

If there’s a bustle in the hedgerow
Don’t be alarmed now,
It’s just a two-for-one promo

Yes there are two ways you can pay
But in the long run
There’s still time to make minimum payments on

And it makes me wonder

Your head is humming and it wont go
In case you don’t know,
Eight thousand buttons to choose from

Dear lady, can you see the letters
And did you know
They even sell ones in lower case

And as we wind on through the rows
White boards larger than our homes

There walks a lady we all know
Who sports flair and wants to show

How everthing is half price to go

And if you purchase very fast
The price will escalate at last

Until the cost will drive you daft
To be an art and not a craft

And she’s buying some at Michaels

My Country Tis of Thee

I think it's time for a patriotic parody. Let's go with with "My Country 'Tis of Thee"; which used to be the national anthem, by-the-way.

My country is to me

Nothing like on TV
Of this I sing
Land of the fast food chains
Land of the false campaigns
Where every steroid athlete trains
With golden bling

My country costs a lot
They want everything I’ve got
Of this I cry
Health care for the rich
Product bait and switch
It’s all a hopeless bitch
Until I die

Kodachrome

Well, Kodachrome has been officially taken off the market what with the digital image age. And that's the perfect time to parody "Kodachrome" by Paul Simon.

When I think back
To all the crap it took to get pictures
It’s a wonder
I took any at all
And though our lack of technology
Never hurt me then
I could read the writing on the wall

Kodachrome
They limited our pictures per roll
They had us load and unload them all
Then charge you more for development, oh yeah
You required a bulky camera
If you didn’t thread it right, well damn ya
So mama thank you for taking my Kodachrome away

If you took all the photos I took
with Kodachrome
And tried to find one that came out just right
I know you’d never ever
find you a good one
Cause they all look worse than you thought they might

Kodachrome
Digital has replaced you forever
Loading the film, no never
Makes me smile to know I can preview my shots, oh yeah
I’ve got a camera that’s thin
To take my photos in
So mama thank you for taking my Kodachrome away.

Mama please take my Kodachrome away
Mama please take my Kodachrome away
Mama please take my Kodachrome away

The Picker

Time for just a goofy parody for once. I've been heavy on the social issues lately. What we need is a nonsensical parody. Let's go with a parody of Steve Miller's "The Joker"

Some people call me the nose miner, yeah
Some call my nose antics sick
Some people call me Maurice
Cause I speak of the pompitous of the pick

People talk about me, baby
Say I’m doing something wrong
Well, don’t you worry baby
Don’t worry
Cause I’m right here, right here, right here picking at home

Cause I’m a picker
I’m a driller
I’m a flicker
A nostril filler
I pick my nose out in the sun

I’m a trolling
I’m a rolling
I’m a booger bowling
Playing with boogers sure is fun

I’m a picker
I’m a driller
I’m a flicker
A nostril filler
I pick my nose out in the sun

I’m a trolling
I’m a rolling
I’m a booger bowling
Playing with boogers sure is fun

You’re the biggest booger
That I ever did see
I really love to pick you
Effortlessly
Picky-picky-picky-picky all the time
Ooo-ee baby, all of ‘em are mine

Cause I’m a picker
I’m a driller
I’m a flicker
A nostril filler
I pick my nose out in the sun

I’m a trolling
I’m a rolling
I’m a booger bowling
Playing with boogers sure is fun

A House with No Name

Well I don't see the housing market coming around just yet. Let's focus another parody on it while it's really down! I'll go with "A Horse with No Name" by America for this one:

On the first part of the journey
I was looking at all the life
There were kids and bikes and BBQs and things
There were new cars and boats and bling
The first one I met was banker in debt
And a house too big for his wallet
His estate was maintained by paid services
Excess…yeah, that's what you could call it

I’ve been through the suburbs to a house with no name
It felt good that I’d chose to abstain
In the suburbs you can foreclose with no shame
Cause there’s nobody left to complain
La..la…lalalala Lala la la la

After two months the banks tried to sell
But the market seemed really poor
After three months the prices still fell
Nobody was qualified to buy anymore

I’ve been through the suburbs to a house with no name
It felt good that I’d chose to abstain
In the suburbs you can foreclose with no shame
Cause there’s nobody left to complain
La..la…lalalala Lala la la la

After nine months, they let the house go wild
Bailout reimbursement requests had been filed
There were vines and rats and garbage around
The place looked like a prison compound
The suburbs were a place of expansion and hope
But prosperity just could not cope
Under the foundation lies an over commitment bane
And the residents couldn’t sustain

You see I’ve been through the suburbs to a house with no name
It felt good that I’d chose to abstain
In the suburbs you can foreclose with no shame
Cause there’s nobody left to complain
La..la…lalalala Lala la la la

Wishing You Were Here

Yeah, what with the economy plunging into a major depression you're probably missing all of your cash you invested and lost. So does everyone else. So here's a song for you from Chicago to remind you of your money. To the tune of "Wishing You Were Here"

High yield trends, dividends and stacks of cash,
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
Heaven knows where it all goes but it’s gone in a flash
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here

Same big crash took all my cash this time out
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
Greedy moves attract seedy dudes to cash you out
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here

And I’d like to have the cash that I started from
Just to know I didn’t blow it investing dumb
But my 401K has dwindled away and now it’s gone
And that’s just how it’s done

Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here

Now my bank took a major tank and got bought out
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here
Lost my home on a shady loan with no cash bailout
Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here

What to Do

Well, with the 50th anniversary of the death of Buddy Holly having happened just recently and with all the firings and unemployment going on, I thought it fitting to use a more obscure Buddy Holly song this time: "What to Do". To help, I'll link a you tube playing of it here. And then give you the original lyrics first.

Original Lyrics

What to do now that she doesn't want me
That's what haunts me
What to do

What to do to keep from being lonely
Want her only
What to do

The records hops and all the happy times we had
The soda shop; the walks to school now make me sad

What to do I know my heartaches showing
Still not knowing
What to do


Parody Lryics

What to do now that they no longer want me
After the years they’d taunt me
What to do

What to do to keep from being poor
I just want more
What to do

The water cool talks and all the happy surfing times I had
The extra long lunches; the unrecorded sick days now make me sad

What to do I know my skills are lacking
From my slacking
What to do

50 Billion to Steal from Investors

Well, in honor of the biggest scam ever conceived in Wall Street, we'll dedicate a parody of Paul Simon's 'Fifty Ways to Leave your Lover' to cover off on Bernie Madoff's Ponzie scam of 50 billion out of investors.

“The problem of big returns is all inside your head” he said to me
The answer is easy if you set it up as a big Ponzie
I’d like to help you in your struggle to make money
There must be 50 billion dollars to steal from investors

He said it’s really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my scam won’t be caught or misconstrued
But I’ll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be 50 billion dollars to steal from investors
50 billion to steal from investors

You just set a Ponzi scam, Sam
Tell your investors a lie, Ty
You need to collect the dough, Joe
To make tons of money
Swindle the very rich, Bitch
BS the skeptical ones, huns
Make up great results, Shultz
And make money

He said it grieves me so to see you without gains
‘Money to steal’ potentiality is valid and still remains
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the 50 billion

He said why don’t you just buy a hooker for the night
And I believe in the morning you’ll begin to see the light
And then he set me up with a dividend and I realized he was right
There must be fifty billion dollars to steal from investors
Fifty billion to steal from investors

You just set a Ponzi scam, Sam
Tell your investors a lie, Ty
You need to collect the dough, Joe
To make tons of money
Swindle the very rich, Bitch
BS the skeptical ones, huns
Make up great results, Shultz
And make money

American Pie

With George Bush finally nearly out of office it's time for my magnum opus on his presidency. Let's go with a long one and use "American Pie" by Don McClean.

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
When the deficit was within reach
And I knew if we had to roam
We could actually afford a home
Maybe even on a beach

But the Bush era made me shiver
With every paper they’d deliver
Dumb moves from the President
And all that war money we leant

I can’t remember if I cried
When I learned how many Americans died
Something this stupid can’t be lied
The day we took up Iraqi pride

But bye-bye, you made Americans die
Drove the economy where it ought not to be
And our housing sky high
And them good old boys raising gas price on the fly
Singing this’ll be the day middle class will die
This will be the day that they die

Did you reverse all the environment bills Clinton got through?
And didn’t you vacation for an extreme amount too
I guess its ok when you’re in charge
Do you believe you’ve actually done good?
By staying the course when nobody else would.
And can you teach me how to get an ego that large

Well I know that you don’t really have a clue
Cheney’s been doing all the really bad for you
He just pulls your strings and laughs
Tries to cover it up with fancy graphs

You were a drunken ex-president’s son
Acting as governor to have some fun
But even then we didn’t know just how dumb
The day you took up Iraqi pride

But now we’ll be singing
Bye-bye, you made Americans die
Drove the economy where it ought not to be
And our housing sky high
And them good old boys raising gas price on the fly
Singing this’ll be the day middle class will die
This will be the day that they die

Now for eight years we’ve been falling fast
The economy is broke at last
But that’s not how it used to be.
With your sweetener’s for the very rich
Trying to get by now is a real bitch
It costs more to the average you and me

Oh, and all the while we were spiraling down
You were staying the course on some other ground
Our own troubles were adjourned
All efforts to fix were returned
And while illegals marched to our borders to pass
We still let them cut our grass
As they’re the only ones to do it without sass
The day America died.

But now we’ll be singing
Bye-bye, you made Americans die
Drove the economy where it ought not to be
And our housing sky high
And them good old boys raising gas price on the fly
Singing this’ll be the day middle class will die
This will be the day that they die

Helter skelter in the prisoner shelter
Detainees and the water torture
Eight years in and without a charge
They’re shoved into a little cell
On a Marine Base, might as well
Torture them to see what secrets they’ll tell
Of terrorist plots they’re trying to sell.

Now the health care issue is such a mess
It’s hard to imagine you doing much less
You tried a lame solution
Oh, but it was just really political pollution
Cause the cost of drugs was rocketing through
Buying in Canada, yes, you blocked that too
Do you recall all the things we could no longer do?
The day America died.

But now we’ll be singing
Bye-bye, you made Americans die
Drove the economy where it ought not to be
And our housing sky high
And them good old boys raising gas price on the fly
Singing this’ll be the day middle class will die
This will be the day that they die

Oh, and there we were all in one place
A generation puzzled over a chad disgrace
With no time left to count again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause chaos is Bush’s only friend.

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
I sat in disbelief controlling rage
No angel born in hell
Could break that idiot’s spell
And as the deficit climbed into the night
While he’s spending on weapons with delight
I thought something must be done, this isn’t right
The day America died

But now we’ll be singing
Bye-bye, you made Americans die
Drove the economy where it ought not to be
And our housing sky high
And them good old boys raising gas price on the fly
Singing this’ll be the day middle class will die
This will be the day that they die

I met a girl who lost her pride
Foreclosures, costs forced her outside
She’s living in a cardboard shack
I went out to the suburbs today
The cost of gas drove most people away
The county was trying to lure some back

And in the streets; the children screamed
The democrats cried, and the idealist dreamed
But not a word was spoken
Every good process had been broken
And the three men I admire the most
The father, son, and the holy ghost
They bought a villa on a foreign coast
The day American died

But finally we’ll be singing
Bye-bye, you made Americans die
Drove the economy where it ought not to be
And our housing sky high
And them good old boys raising gas price on the fly
Singing this’ll be the day middle class will die
This will be the day that they die

Hot Tubbing

How can one help but not be pissed off hearing about AIG executives being bailed out by the Government (meaning us) and then going out to an exclusive spa retreat and spending a half a million. Let’s use Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded” for this one:

Well, I’m hot tubbing, check it and see
The government has given money to me
Come on baby let’s go buy a mud bath
Then go hot tubbing, hot tubbing

You don’t have to read our mind to know what we had in mind
We were all stressed out from the lack of dough
But this spa is so fine, we can spend lots of time
Figuring out how to come back with nothing to show

Now it’s up to me, to consume like its free
Just me an my execs will relax in water up to our necks

That’s why we’re hot tubbing, check it and see
The waters bubbling at a 103
Come on government can we get another advance
To stay hot tubbing, hot tubbing

This certainly feels alright let’s all stay another night
Let the government pay the fee
Order more wine, make it mighty rare wine
Tell me is this tub hot momma? It sure looks that way to me

Is the timing right, to all get an extra rub down tonight?
Can I write this off my taxes as a stress remedy that relaxes?

That’s why I’m hot tubbing, check it and see
All we learned from this was how to party
Come on guys lets play poker all night
Then go hot tubbing, hot tubbing

Goodbye, Merrill Lynch

Oh my, with all the businesses going bankrupt and all the bailouts and all the stock market plummets I think it’s time for a parody on the whole parade. Let’s use “Ruby Tuesday” by the Rolling Stones:

Goodbye, Merrill Lynch
Guess you’re not so bullish now
You thought investing was a synch
But BofA sure showed you how

Goodbye, Lehmen Brothers
So much for those housing loans
Thanks to you we don’t trust the others
Just a bunch of get rich quick clones

Goodbye, Fannie Mae
Oh and also Freddie Mac
“No wait” so did the Government say
We’ll make the taxpayers bring you back

Goodbye, AIG Insurance
75 billion needed in just one day
Oh wait, it’s taxpayers that need endurance

Because once again its us that will pay

Eight Times a Gold Medalist

Oh come on now. This ridiculous over coverage of Mike Phelps at the Olympics. You'd think there weren't any other althletes winning anything over there. It's time for a parody. Let's use "Three Time a Lady" by the Commodores.

Thanks for the over coverage
You’ve given him
The minute details
That nobody cared
And now that we’ve come
To the end of the Gold medals
Your reruns we can’t
Escape if we dared

You’re once, twice
Eight times a Gold medalist
Yes you’re once, twice
Eight time a Gold medalist
And I’m glad you beat Mark Spitz

When we were made
To watch your mom sweat
It was like watching a Spanish soap show
The emotions, the drama
Detailed us into a coma
Until there was nothing about you we didn’t know

You’re once, twice
Eight times a Gold medalist
Yes you’re once, twice
Eight time a Gold medalist
And I’m glad you beat Mark Spitz

Annies Song

Hey, I know. Let's do a parody on the presidential candidates. I'll use "Annies Song" by John Denver.

The McCain version:

You fill up my senses
Like a clear-cutted forest
Like a mountain of new debt
Like a walking migraine
Like a war in the desert
Like an oil filled ocean
You fill up my senses
Don’t campaign again

Come let me help you
Let me show you retirement
Let me teach you anger management
Let me guide you to restrain
Let me check for melanoma
Let me convince you war is over
Come let me help you
To not campaign again

The Obama version:

You fill up my senses
Like a chameleon in the forest
Like a mountain of bull manure
Like a walk
Like a kid doing foreign relations
Like an empty promise ocean
You fill up my senses
Don’t campaign again

Come let me help you
Let me gain you some experience
Let me direct you to do your senate job
Let me enroll you in the service
Let me teach you to stop flipping on issues
Let me give your friends debate tissues
Come let me help you
To not campaign again

Thank God I don't Travel Much

Man, based on my miserable experience travelling lately I think we need a song parody on the travel experience you'll have with the airlines these days. Let's use "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" by John Denver.

Well life at the airlines is kinda messed up
Won’t even let me bring in the coffee in my cup
Yet 3 hours early is when they want me to show up
Thank God I don’t travel much

Well I’m a reasonable guy but this process is really slow
You’ve now checked all my documents at 8 points in a row
Like I’d be going somewhere between them don’t ya know
Thank God I don’t travel much

Well I got my 3oz bottles, my laptop is out
I’ll make it through security in 3 hours thereabout
I’m in my barefeet now with bacteria in the grout
Thank God I don’t travel much

When the process is all done and I need to eat some food
Cause they don’t serve on the plane; not that it was ever good
But now I find no restaurants placed in the gate are where they should
Thank God I don’t travel much

I’d complain about the blankets they no longer keep
Or the headphones and videos gone because they are too cheap
Or the single ply TP that almost made me weep
Thank God I don’t travel much

They can keep you overnight and not care at all
They won’t pay your extra parking cost; to ask you’ve got some gall
Extra charges for your luggage is their latest scheming call
Thank God I don’t travel much

Same ol' Song and Dance

Ok, the presidental race and the democrats and republicans need a song parody. Let's go with "Same ol' Song and Dance" by Aerosmith this time.

Obama and Hillary are still marching on
Clinton won’t concede until it’s all done
While the Democratic party suffers along
With McCain and the Republicans egging them on

It's the same old story, same old song and dance, my friend
It's the same old story, same old song and dance, my friend

Seems the Democrats can never seem to agree
We’ve seen it many times throughout history
If it’s not the independents ruining their chance
Then its usually their own fault for coming late to the dance

It's the same old story, same old song and dance, my friend
It's the same old story, same old song and dance, my friend

Obama’s got no experience; McCain is too old
The Republicans are hot on the war; the Democrats cold
The he said/she said flurry is just getting started
But doing so within the same party just seems retarded

Please Come to Darfur

This whole crisis in Darfur and they're terrible state of human conditions and the government not allowing aid is sad and ridiculous. Time for a parody though. "Please Come to Boston" by Loggins (I don't remember which one it is...)

Please come to Darfur for the springtime
I’m stayin’ here with some friends; 28 to a room
You can sell mud cookies on the sidewalk
By a mission where I hope to get some food from soon
Please come to Darfur
She said no, would you come home to me

And she said, hey ramblin’ boy, why don’t you settle down
Darfur ain’t your kind of town
There ain’t no food and there ain’t nobody like me
I’m the number one fan of the man going crazy

Please come to Afghanistan with the snowfall
We’ll move up into the mountains so far we can’t be found
And live in a cave with Bin Laden and write speeches
To threaten everyone else around
Please come to Afghanistan
She said “no, Boy, would you come home to me”

And she said, hey ramblin’ boy, why don’t you settle down
Afghanistan ain’t your kind of town
There ain’t no razors and there ain’t nobody like me
I’m the number one fan of the man going crazy

Now this idiot’s world goes ‘round and ‘round
And I doubt that it’s ever gonna stop
And of all the dumb places I’ve been found
There’s a dumber one to be got
I’ll still need to know to
Go somewhere I shouldn’t go to

American the Pitiful

Are you kidding me. The American airlines are just ridiculous. This whole ordeal with American airlines leaving their passengers stranded what with their problems and all. It needs a parody. Let's use "America the Beautiful" for this one.

O big airline in the spacious skies
With FAA violations again
Don’t crash into purple mountain majesties
Or into the fruited plain!
American! American!
God help those passengers on thee
Their flights all gone and a line a mile long
From sea to shining sea!

O big airline your wires are crossed
You had to shut down flights
Into terminals your passengers were tossed
And boy that really bites
American! American!
I’m sure you’ll reimburse thee
With free pretzels and free head phones
From sea to shining sea!

Hey You

Let's do another parody on the state of the economy and in particular President Bush. Let's go with a darker song this time. How about "Hey You" by Pink Floyd.

Hey you, out there in your car
Having to commute so very far
Can you feel him?
Hey you, with the son that’s in the war
And soldiers dying more and more
Can you feel him?
Hey you, don’t help them think its right
He won’t pull out; he wants to fight

Hey you, out there on your own
Besieged with telemarketers on the phone
Do you still support him?
Hey you, with that house you can’t afford
And the job where you are bored
Would you support him?
Hey you, would you help him to lock down the borders?
Even if you disagreed but got his orders.

But it is only reality
His politics didn’t set them free
Why couldn’t he see
No matter how he tried
It just could not be
But he stood his ground stubbornly

Hey you, with the economy dropping down
Foreclosures all around
Will you pardon me?
Hey you, facing a debt that goes unchecked
A global image completely wrecked
Will you pardon me?
Hey you, we’ll be changing it this fall

Our vote will be heard, but change nothing at all

When I'm Seventy-Four

Poor Paul McCartney and his divorce situation. I don't think this is what he planned for when he originally wrote "When I'm Sixty-Four" as The Beatles. Let's add 10 years to it and revise it.

When I get older
and finally losing some hair
Many years from now
Will you still be trying to appeal the divorce?
48 million isn’t enough of course
If I remarry without a prenup,
will you sell her your notes?
Will you still abuse me,
will you still use me
When I’m seventy-four?

You’ll be older too
And if you say a word
I’ll just go and sue

I could be ruthless,
heartless, and cold
Just like you have done
You can try another reality show
Now that you haven’t won
Accusation in the press, courtroom time
Who could ask for more?
Will you still abuse me,
Will you still use me
When I’m seventy-four

Dawn Well's 3 hour Tour

Damn, seems I just used the Gilligan Island theme song for a parody. But with Dawn Wells getting busted for marijuana, this is just to easy to resist for another song parody.

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from a birthday party
Carrying something besides catnip

The police officer was a mighty observant man
Watching a car speed and slow
When the car started swerving back and forth
That’s when his lights did glow

He stopped a celebrity on the road
And smelled some suspicious smells
The joints and stash were found in the back
And that was about it for Dawn Wells

She was arrested on possession charges in a small Idaho town
With several alibis:
Hitchhikers she picked
The movie star
And her lawyer said
She’d been just set up

Year of the Rat

Another new year and it's time to contemplate the state of affairs in the USA with a good song parody. Let's go with Al Stewart's "Year of the Cat" for this one.

On a morning from a Hell Raiser movie
In a country with a Health Care debate
You are waiting in the Urgent Care facility
Contemplating a 4 hour wait

She comes out of the sun in a ‘green’ sustainable fabric on
Like an iceberg melting in the global warming rain
Don’t bother asking for explanations
She’ll just tell you that we’re living again
In the year of the rat

She doesn’t give you time for questions
Interviews are just made up words now-a-days
And you follow her behind the paparazzi
As they go into a craze

By the foreclosured home where the new homeless roam
There’s a development she leads you to
These days, she says, there’s no money to finish
As the market bottom fell through
In the year of the rat

Well she shows you pictures of her adopted son Zahara
That she picked up from the shelter in Zaire
He was wondering alone in the Sahara
Thank God at least the celebrities care
In the year of the rat

Then the morning comes and you’re still with her
And the bus with the illegal immigrants is gone
And gas is too expensive to fill your Hummer
So you have to stay on

Hey There, Georgie Bush

Boy, it's time for a George Bush parody. He's been dumping on the country for so long now... it's time to dump back. Let's go with "Georgie Girl" by the Seekers for this one.

Hey there Georgie Bush,
There’s just another year for you to ruin
Everybody knows the damage your doin’
You can’t play the blame game now

Again

Hey there Georgie Bush
Why is the economy not bouncing back?
Could it be the war in Iraq?
Or how you ran up the national debt?

You’re always pointing the finger
But troubles still linger around
Your stupidity is clearly profound

No surprise

Hey there Georgie Bush
Try and convince us how you feel
Outline for change with nothing real
We’ve seen it before

The housing market mess
we should stress is a wreck
So let’s fix it with a one time rebate check

Dumb move there
Georgie Bush
Wake up Georgie Bush

Downtown - The Housing Market version

Hey you know this housing market is bad. What a ridiculous story. And one that warrants a song parody. We'll use "Downtown" by Petula Clark.

When you’re alone and your home is in foreclosure
You can always live
Downtown

When the balloon payment is way more
than all you can give
Go downtown

Just watch as all your neighborhood is suddenly for sale
Realtors all lined up looking for the holy grail
But no buyers around.
The mortgage loaners are much wiser now
Big down payment of cash is all they allow
So head downtown – all of your equity is gone
Downtown – your just an investor pawn
Downtown – all of your cash is withdrawn

Downtown, Downtown

Don’t hang around hoping for a housing rebound
There’s always a cardboard home waiting
Downtown

Just listen to the government worried about recession
Let’s give the idiots a bailout card to teach them all a lesson
Yes, we all lose. Taxes will be higher soon
Retail prices rising to the moon
All the while your living downtown….downtown.

A Day in the Primaries

E-gads...the political primaries are going on. That surely calls for a parody. Lets go with "A Day in the Life" by The Beatles

I saw the primary today oh, boy
About a bunch of bozos I don’t trust
And though the hoopla was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh
What a bunch of riffraff
A babble of BS flew from their mouths
The didn’t notice whether it made any sense
A crowd of people stood are stared
They’d seen this and knew it well
Nobody was really sure if they were from the gates of hell

I saw the film clips today oh, boy
About the victorious in Iowa
Yes Hillary cried boo hoo
It’s what she had to do
So in New Hampshire she could win anew
I’d love to turn this off

I read the news today oh, boy
Six trillion in national dept
And though the debt is rather big
They’ll charge more interest for the whole shindig
Now we know how hard it will be for the next bigwig
I’d love to turn it off

The Balland of the Writer's Strike

Ok, the writer's strike is STILL going on and they're even picketing now. And that means since they can't write anything I'll have to do it. Let's go with a parody of "The Ballad of John and Yoko" from the Beatles for this one.

Standing at the curb in LA
Trying to strike for more pay
The man in AMPTP said “This won’t work for me”
You know he didn’t care about fair play

Christ you know it ain’t easy
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They’re will be nothing but reality TV

Our for DVD sales cut is a crime
Emerging technology we don’t get a dime
They say they will deal
But that’s not how we feel
It looks like its prolonged strike time

Christ you know it ain’t easy
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They’re will be nothing but reality TV

Last time it was 22 weeks long
People felt that was terribly wrong
No new TV shows
All the theatres close
But to win we had to be strong

Christ you know it ain’t easy
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They’re will be nothing but reality TV

The studios tried to rush all their shoots
They heard the rumor of the strike from their suits
But the WGA crew
Went on strike early too
And foiled all their stockpiling pursuits

Christ you know it ain’t easy
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They’re will be nothing but reality TV

Writers Strike

With the whole screen writers strike I thought it would be the perfect occasion for a parody. Let's use the Gilligan's Island theme for this one.

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful strike
They wanted their fair share of pie
AMPTP said “take a hike”

The WGA was a mighty union though
They’d done this thing before
They went on strike for 22 weeks back in ‘88
While reruns made us snore

Then both sides started getting rough
And walking out on talks
AMPTP scheduled reality shows
WGA lined picketer for blocks

The deal’s now on the ground of this uncharted debacle
with WGA
the AMPTP too
The executive millionaire and his wife
The movie star
The gaffers and the other staff
All impacted in the Writers Strike trial

So this is the tale of those without pay
They’ll be there for a long, long time
They’ll have to make the best of things
It’s an uphill climb

Hall of Fame

Well, I guess it was inevitable. Barry Bond's indicted for purgery. Add him to the Pete Rose club of liars and cheaters. And for that, I've selected Neil Young's "Heart of Gold" as my next song parody:

I like to cheat
I like to lie
I’ll deny it until the day I die
And these behaviors are the reason why
I keep getting rejected from the hall of fame
I’m a total shame
But I keep trying for the hall of fame
While I point the blame

I’ve lied in court
I’ve lied in sport
Everything I do I distort
Ethical behavior is a last resort
Which keeps me getting rejected from the hall of fame
I’m a total shame
But I keep trying for the hall of fame
Just cause I played a game

Hey there, Diarrhea

You know, in honor of all the travel people do in the summer let's dedicate this song parody to them. It's from "Hey there Delilah" by the Plain White Ts.

Hey there Diarrhea
Why’d you find me in Mexico City
I’m a thousand miles away
And this plane flight won’t be pretty
It shall not
Doubled over cramps is what I’ve got

Hey there Diarrhea
I’m quite worried about my clothing
You keep creeping out unexpectedly
And it’s this stain that I am loathing
What to do
And the smell is bothering other people too

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Diarrhea
I wish that you’d start solidifying
Just an hour away from the toilet
Would be very gratifying
Yes it would
Normal tapered stools are quite good
They way they always should

Hey there Diarrhea
I’ve got nothing left to say
Seems those sidewalk stand tacos
Have converted to fecal spray
It’s not fun
Hopefully a few more explosions and I’m done
What a run

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Prince Will Sue

Oh brother. It seems that Prince is taking legal action and threatening to sue his fans that have material on him on the internet. Give me a break! For this paranoia story I've chosen an old 50's tune "Peggy Sue" by Buddy Holly

If you do, Prince will sue
Oh be sure that’s what he will do
Remove the content or he will sue
Yeah we loved you Prince
But not if you’re gonna sue

Prince will sue, Prince will sue
All because he’s on your fan site too
Oh Prince, he will sue
Yeah we loved you Prince
But not if you’re gonna sue

We made the site for you
But now you sue
They’ll be a backlash
You know it’s true
Yeah we loved Prince
But not if you’re gonna sue

Iggy

Ok, the ridiculous circus of events that was the adoption of the dog Iggy by Ellen DeGeneres deserves a song parody. You know the stupid story; how she adopted the dog, it didn’t work out, she gave it to her housekeeper, it bonded with the family but then the mean old shelter took it back claiming she violated the rules. The media frenzy of she said, she said ensued. For this ridiculous event we’ll use a ridiculous song too. Mandy, by Barry Manilow

I remember when I brought you home
Let you out so you could roam
But my cats did not approve
And so you had to move
Where you wouldn’t be alone

Time goes on with another day
Suddenly the agency did say
You broke all the rules
You made us look like fools
So they took him away, oh Iggy

Well you came and you gave without faking
But I gave you away, oh Iggy
Now Mutts and Moms came a taking
My housecleaner needs you today, oh Iggy

You bonded with that family
I thought you fit in so happily
Since the shelter took you away
Death threats besiege them every day
Which is why he couldn’t stay, oh Iggy

Well you came and you gave without faking
But I gave you away, oh Iggy
Now Mutts and Moms came a taking
My house cleaner needs you today, oh Iggy

Oops, I did it Again

Ok, this time I couldn't resist using a Britney Spear's song for the ever stupid (and now pretty much broke) OJ Simpson and his latest arrest. Sung to the tune of "Oops, I did it Again"

Oops I did it again
Got caught in a crime
That my lawyer will win
Oops I forgot he will fail
Cause Johnny Cochran’s now dead
And I’ll end up in Jail

(sorry, that's all the song I could tolerate doing a parody for)

Should They Stay or Should They Go

The whole Britney Spears custody ordeal warrants another parody. Let's go with The Clash and "Should I stay or Should I go" on this one.

Your honor you got to let me know
Will they stay or will they go?
If you say that they are still mine
I’ll throw a party with lots of wine
So you got to let me know
Am I mental or just a party ho?

I can party with such ease ease ease
When I let them do as they please
One day is fine, the next they’re missing
It gets in the way with whom I’m kissing
Well come on and let me know
Should they stay or should they go?

Should they stay or should they go now?
Should they stay or should they go now?
If they go; well Kevin’s trouble
An’ if they stay; well I am double
So come on and let me know!
Should they stay or should they go?

Danke Shoen

Well, I never watch reality TV but I did notice that Wayne Newton got voted off of Dancing with the Stars. Good god, the man is like 90 (ok, he’s only 65) and reminds me of a stuffed sausage, but other than that, who would have guess it?! For this bit of important nonsense I chose his very own tune, Danke Shoen:

Danke Shoen, darling Danke Schoen
Thank your for my new back pain
Dance lessons, triple spins,
Aching feet, Body beat,
I couldn’t compete

Danke Shoen, darling Danke Schoen
To think I’d win was quite insane
I recall, that nasty fall,
Doing the samba, or was it the mamba
I’d failed them all

Danke Shoen, darling Danke Schoen
My plastic surgery made me feel young
But how stiff like I really swung
Slowest there, partner beware
Embarrassing but I don’t care

Tommy Sizemore

Oh that crazy Tom Sizemore. Seems he's wiggled his way out of jail for meth possession again claiming God has told him to clean up his act for good. I thought Johnny B. Goode by Chuck Berry seemed appropriate

Deep down in California
Close to Los Angeleeze
Way up in the desert
Where there are no trees
There stood a federal jail
Made of cement and ore
Where stays a drug-fueled actor
Named Tommy Sizemore
He never ever learned
To abstain his habit so well
But he can schmooze a judge
Just like a-ringing bell

Go go, go Tommy go go go!
Go Tommy go go go!
Go Tommy go go go!
Go Tommy go go go!
Aah Tommy Sizemore

He use to smuggle drugs
For his habit with meth
If not for his arrests
It would surely have been his death
Staying in and out of rehab
Getting convinctions turned his way
My oh my
That druggy actor could play

Go go, go Tommy go go go!
Go Tommy go go go!
Go Tommy go go go!
Go Tommy go go go!
Aah Tommy Sizemore

Well he says God has told him now
To clean up his act
It got him out of jail
That’s the simple fact
But his brain is probably fried
And these type are doomed to fail
I think we’ll hold his cot
In the Bakersfield Jail

Britney Hillbilly Song

More breaking news. Britney Spears has lost custody of her kids to Federline. You could see it coming for sure. So in honor of this "duh" moment, I'm choosing The Beverly Hillbillies theme song:

Come listen to a story about a gal named Brit
A young pop singer, had looks but little wit
Then one day her music it went gold
And ever since then a tragedy has unfold

DUIs that is, arrest, embarrassment

Well the first thing she did is marry on a whim
Pop out some kids, and proceed to divorce him
Partying and drinking while her kids are God knows where
Losing touch, porking out, and shaving all her hair

Abuse that is. Substance, child

Well now its time to say goodbye to both of her own kids
The judge took them away and over to Federline he did
He might not be as famous but at least he’s not insane
And that’s where they’ll stay until she can abstain

Drugs that is. Partying, neglect

No 24 just 6 to 4

Breaking news. Keifer Sutherland just got arrested on a DUI. Yet another celebrity driving around intoxicated. This time I chose “25 or 6 to 4” by Chicago but I thought I’d change the title slightly since Keifer’s TV show is 24. We’ll call it No 24 just 6 to 4 (months in jail that is).

Waiting for the break of day
Searching for something to say
Flashing lights against the sky
As the police arrest me on a DUI
Sitting handcuffed in the car
No 24 just 6 to 4

Staring blindly into space
Another public relations disgrace
What will daddy Donald say?
Don’t let Emilio see me this way
Do you think they’ll let me drink some more?
No 24 just 6 to 4

Waking Up in Autopsy Sucks

Well, did you hear about that Venezuelan man that they thought was dead from a car accident but woke up in the morgue during his autopsy? Yeah, strange things happen all the time. I thought I'd use the song "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day as the song parody:

They thought my life had come and passed
A highway fatality that didn’t last
Waking up in autopsy sucks

A check for a pulse would have been nice
Just before you pack me in ice
Waking up in autopsy sucks

Here comes that pain again
From the knife they dragged across my chin
Waking up in autopsy sucks

Why does my wife have that insurance claim?
Why is she upset and I’m to blame?
Waking up in autopsy sucks

Day in the Life

With all the news on that terrorist plot thwarting the liquid explosive plan I thought "Day in the Life" by The Beatles would be a good parody for this whole event.

I read the news today oh boy
About the liquid explosive plot
And though the news took a morbid path
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the aftermath
You now can’t bring liquids on the plane
They piled up all the contraband
Eye drops, water, mother’s milk
It all seemed quite insane and delays were very long
Nobody was really sure
If that nasal mist could be made into a bomb

I saw the plan today oh boy
The terrorists wanted to blow up at least 10 planes
They thought the crowd of people would get blown away
But the police they new the score
They’d seen this plot before
And now I can’t bring my water on

Woke up, my flight is late
The security line is a 12 hour wait
On my way through they grabbed my cup
And looking up I knew there was no debate
Took my mouthwash, shampoo too
Deodorant and even my Mt. Dew
Found my bags stripped bare and went to gate
Flight ended up canceled and I went into a dream

I read the news today oh boy
Four thousand sticks of chapstick found
And though the stick were rather small
They had to count them all
Now they know how many stick it takes to shut the air traffic down
I’d still love to bring mine on